(Satire) – President Trump has stormed out of another press conference after appearing in a facemask for the first time. In a bizarre twist, the mask featured an orange circle topped with a graphic of wavy, bouffant hair that appeared to depict the president’s head. Trump is known for his tangerine-like skin tone and blond comb-over.
The President began the conference by claiming that he was the first world leader in all of history to wear a mask, saying that he had come up with the idea to slow the advance of COVID-19 “many years before Dr. Fauci started whining about it”.
He said that even the Chinese were now wearing masks and that President Xi had called to thank him personally for ending COVID-19 in China. Trump confirmed that Xi had agreed to his plan to pay “huge” compensation, which would involve transferring all naming rights to General Tso’s Chicken to the US “in perpetuity” – potentially worth billions of dollars.
“President Xi took one look at this mask and told me it had made his day,” said Trump.
When a reporter asked the president about the acronym “STD” and “Stop the Donald” emblazoned prominently on the mask, Trump seemed initially confused before answering “what a nasty question”.
He claimed that the mask had been specially made for him and was now available on-line. The President said that, “even Mike Pence cracked a smile when he saw the mask this morning, and told me he’s never seen anything like it. And as you know, Mike Pence never lies.”
The reporter followed up with, “I’m sorry sir, but are you aware that the words Stop the Donald are actually written on your mask?”
Trump, who was still wearing the mask, dismissed the question as “fake news”. Another journalist suggested that the President may not have actually read the wording on the mask before putting it on, and he abruptly left the room.
Staffers later explained that the masks had been circulating in the West Wing “for several days” and were introduced to the White House by “seemingly normal 18-year old interns”. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a presidential aide said that the interns were extremely cunning, gaining the trust of the President after claiming he “was a much better President than even Ben Franklin”, and that “Russia was a bigger hoax than Evolution”. The President had agreed to wear the mask after noting that the “colors seemed especially patriotic” and had dismissed out of hand concerns that he “should read the words”. An investigation is pending.
All kidding aside, Donald Trump is an incompetent loser. We’re tired of Trump’s shit, and hope you are too.
When the COVID19 pandemic likely resurges in the fall, our country needs real leadership to competently take control of this devastating crisis.
So be politically active, be visible, and VOTE EARLY in your state, well before the November 3rd Presidential Election.
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